Angela, My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years—enough time to really know each other, and enough time for things to grow cold in our bedroom habits. I’ve tried to playfully hint at a pair of handcuffs and not so subtly suggest adding a little kink to our bedroom behavior, but he is completely turned off by the idea. It’s almost like he’s offended. How can I entice him to be more adventurous? -- Lori
Lori, I’m with you. A good hair pulling goes a long way, especially if there’s some hot commentary along with it. You need to spice things up, and if you don’t get it, you might be tempted to look for it elsewhere. That’s not the answer, so we need to work on Mr. FreezerPants.
If he’s not into the sexual play that you’ve been suggesting, it’s time to investigate what does make him stand at attention. Testosterone = sexual fantasies.
Here’s the plan: After sex, (yes, after-even if it’s lackluster) your guy is at his most open and vulnerable. Have pillow talk about what excites him. It’s important you relay the message that he can tell you anything, and you won’t judge. At the same time, lightly touch his torso and arms as the two of you communicate. Immediately after orgasm, his skin is the most sensitive. You have the trifecta of trust working for you. He’s open and connected to you after sex, you’ve verbally affirmed you want to hear his thoughts, and you are showing him your attachment through sensitive touch.
Try this a few times and see if he opens up about his fantasies. But be prepared. The reserved ones are the most likely to suggest a latex body suit and a ball gag. Try this sexual fact-finding mission a few times and if he’s still not open to anything new in the bedroom, he probably never will be.
My boyfriend was engaged once before and it ended badly. A few months ago while cleaning our house (honestly) I found his old engagement ring, with all the paperwork, receipts, and insurance. I am now plagued with the worry that he will try to propose to me with that same ring, and I will know it was meant for someone else. What in the world do I do? -- Curious Cait
Curious Cait: It’s time for “Come Clean Cait.” You found the ring. It is in the house you cohabitate, so I don’t think that’s out of the ordinary. If you would have been snooping through his underwear drawer at his apartment while he was in the shower, that’s a different story. But truthfully, every woman worth her expensive facial cream has snooped at some point.
Tell him you found the ring while you were cleaning (honest, right?) and you thought of a great idea. It obviously has bad memories attached to it, and it’s time to purge the negative. Suggest you sell the ring and use the proceeds to make a great memory—like a killer vacation together. Even if he doesn’t go for it, now that he knows you are aware of the ring, he’s not going to try and pawn it off on you, unless he’s really dumb and cheap.
And if he is, you shouldn’t be marrying him anyway.
My husband has been joking about having a threesome with me and my best friend since we all met in our late 20s. We are no longer in our college state of mind, but my husband can’t stop suggesting the fantasy. I think he’s serious, and it’s not funny. How do I tell him my best friend will never be invited in to our bedroom? -- Party of Two
Agree to his threesome—but on the condition you get to have one with his golf buddy first. Actually, not just one of them—you’ve been having naughty thoughts about the whole foursome. That will but the kibosh on that conversation!
He’s being beyond insensitive, and sometimes it works best to give it back to men on a level they understand. Your husband is expressing his desire for the most common of male fantasies, a threesome with two women. For more reasons than I have space on this page to explain, exploring that with a best friend is the worst idea ever.
I’m not condoning or endorsing a threesome in a committed relationship, but I am saying that your husband obviously is interested in exploring this. You have to ask yourself if you want to experiment with him in this arena. You have to carefully consider the ramifications and make that decision.
But please, don’t do it with someone on your speed dial!
Have a question for our dating guru? Share your dating woes with Angela at firstname.lastname@example.org.
About Angela Lutin
Angela Lutin has won the adoration and loyalty of her riders at Flywheel Sports in Boca, where she has emerged as the most sought-after indoor cycling instructor in South Florida. In her spare time, the divorced single mom has launched a popular dating blog—essentiallyangela.com—on which she dispenses musings on life, navigating the singles scene and much more. Angela will answer your dating questions every Thursday at bocamag.com on her “The Naked Truth” blog, which she is doing exclusively for Boca Raton magazine.