How do you deal with one partner wanting sex more than the other?
Sexual desire plays a large role in the amount of intimacy a couple shares and, in many cases, it causes a lot of misunderstanding and pain.
No one explains to us that after the initial passion dies down in a relationship that people may have different levels of sex drive. Some men and women have a very high libido and crave sex daily, sometimes more than once. Others can take it or leave it; once a month may be just fine.
When people’s libidos are compatible, intimacy is rarely a major issue. But if one partner needs affection more often and continually feels rejected—look out, this becomes a serious problem!
I worked with a woman who had gained a lot of weight and had low self-esteem. After a number of sessions, we uncovered that during her 22-year marriage she had felt rejected, sexually, much of the time. Her libido and desire was very high and her need for sex was several times per week.
But her husband was only interested perhaps once every two weeks. They never discussed it openly, she just assumed that she was undesirable and took it as a personal rejection. Being rejected slowly led to her weight gain, followed by depression.
After understanding the differences in their libidos, she was able to repair emotionally, not take it personally and eventually heal. In this case, she was able to take care of her own needs and looked forward to the intimacy with her husband instead of feeling bad most of the time and reading into something she had not understood!
This is why it is so important to be able to talk to each other in a relationship about anything!
About the Author
Boca-based therapist Suzanne Wachtel helps couples, families and individuals cope with the stressful obstacles that complicate life. She specializes in giving people the tools to clear those hurdles and successfully move forward. Watchtel has a master’s degree in social work from Adelphi University. She’s also the author of Like Mother, Like Son: A Mom’s Guide to Raising Healthy Children. To find out more about Watchel, visit boca-therapy.com.
